issue #168 - the one on liking myself

February 05, 2023

I was reviewing the Streak Tracker for January in my planner, which was focused solely on health goals (100 g of protein a day, not drinking alcohol, workouts, meditation, journaling, drinking my AG1). Most of the bubbles are filled in, and I feel pretty great.

But I’m also weirdly annoyed by it.

Ron sums up how I’m feeling - happy in how I’m feeling overall, suffering the old rituals and habits that brought me comfort for so many years.

Why can’t I feel this way eating Taco Bell three times a week? Or after a few glasses of wine? Or having watched an entire season of Southern Hospitality in a single sitting?

Old habits die hard, and these are resilient little buggers.

I touched on this in Friday’s 5SR as I reflected on the lure of ProductivityTok, and I confess that the “I feel so good living this way, but I miss the old way” quandary has been on my mind for the past couple of days.

And in the place where we have our best ideas or aha! moments (the shower), it hit me.

A lot of my old habits are rooted in comfort, specifically in retreating from the world and the prioritizing the opinions of others. I drank in social settings to feel confident, and bought into the narrative that I could only be my most sparkling self if I had that glass of wine in my hand (and a couple coursing through my body). I would feign social exhaustion as the reason I was sluggish and slow the next day, but let’s be real - it was those few glasses of wine and chasing that floaty, happy feeling for as long as I could.

This isn’t the only cycle that was rooted in comfort. My old cycle of weeks of relentless work-days of coach potato life is another one. I love the feeling of being in a flow state and tackling all the work projects, and it rarely occurred to me to stop when I was ahead. In chasing an equally addictive rush from being productive, I flamed out - and would need days on my couch eating Taco Bell that I’d DoorDash and watching old seasons of Housewives.

These cycles were very much rooted in how I thought others viewed me, and validating the way I wanted to be seen and recognized. I had taken permanent residence in the likability trap (highly recommend Alicia’s book by the same name). And until this month, I never asked myself the question if I liked myself.

I wish I could tell you that this month left me feeling connected with myself and that this relationship has never been better. If I’m being honest, it’s uncomfortable because it feels so new. I’ve held onto these old cycles (and the emotions that drove them) as absolute truths for decades, and I’m going to need more than a month to write a new narrative for myself.

I’m giving myself some space to rebuild my relationship with myself (and to stop fixating on my old self-sabotaging behaviors.

And if that means ticking off “no alcohol,” “meditate,” “journal,” and “100 g of protein” most days of each month, it’s a start.

What I Read This Week

  • Sweep in Peace and One Fell Sweep by Ilona Andrews - I’m still deep in Innkeeper and I have to say, I’m happy to be here. Dina and Sean and their adventures across the galaxy and in Texas is bringing me a lot of comfort and ease, and is enticing enough to keep me focused during the work day so I can spend a few hours reading in the evening. I’m halfway through the series, and I already don’t want it to end. If you’ve been wanting a new fantasy read or to recover from an ACOTAR hangover, I highly recommend this series (or this one if you prefer more classic/ancient fantasy)

What Everyone Else Read This Week

  • This Time Tomorrow by Emma Straub- I will shout to the rooftops to anyone who will listen that Emma Straub's "This Time Tomorrow" shredded my heart like cabbage for coleslaw. I was absolutely RAPT. It's like if Paul Simon's tearjerker song "Father and Daughter" was mashed up with "13 Going On 30" and truthfully, I was UNDONE. Read it, and then immediately call everyone you love. Emma Straub, you don't know me, but call me.By the way, I get my books from Semicolon Bookstore in Chicago and I will never stop reminding you how great they are. 

  • The Memory Police by Yoko Ogawa- I love a good dystopian novel, and I found this one to be particularly noteworthy. The narrator lives on an island where items keep disappearing--hats, birds, ribbons, etc.--and memories of those items are erased. People live in fear of the Memory Police, particularly those who mysteriously retain their memories. It was unsettling, but highly compelling.

Top #5SmartReads Of The Week

This week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

Your Questions, Answered

Best backpack for little kids?STATE makes my favorite backpacks and little suitcases for kids (and I also love their fanny pack and totes for myself!)

Are you reading Zodiac Academy?! Thoughts?!I plan on diving in after finishing Innkeeper Chronicles! Becca has yet to steer me wrong on steamy fantasy series.

Did you take maternity leave? How was navigating that stage?With Rho, I signed my contract for How To Pack just weeks after he was born, so not quite!

With Rhaki, I took 6 weeks and was itching to return to work.

My experience is also insanely privileged - I work from home, for myself or my father, and have full flexibility to be able to jump into mom mode in the middle of the day with no repercussions. This should be the norm for those who CAN work from home, and I’m both unsurprised and disappointed in the full-time “return to office” mandates many companies are requiring.

What’s your favorite social media platform and why?TikTok. I’ve learned so much, am so entertained, and if the Chinese government has anything of value in my preference for romance novels and the Eagles and NFL WAGs, they’re welcome to it.

Your walking pad! The hold this walking pad has on me! I love it so much.

Do you have a favorite pair of compression socks for longer flights?These wool compression socks from Comrad Socks keep your feet warm and your circulation going!

I think you mentioned the brand Quince a while ago. What’s your opinion on the brand??I’m a big fan of Quince for high quality basics at accessible price points! I love their cashmere, washable silk, and activewear. My husband and father love their chinos, polos and sweaters. And we have some sheets and duvets from them that are heaven to sleep on!

Where do you get all your awesome Eagles merch?A lot of the shirts I wear are oldies! But I will say the Instagram algorithm has been spot on in targeting me for cute Eagles clothes. Here are some of my favorites that are in stock:

Gift for a friend who is hosting me for a week! Preferable to candles or consumable! All of my favorites are linked here! This is how I would bundle them:

You can also never go wrong with the Tom Cruise cake via Goldbelly (it’s insanely good)

Looking for a fun red wedding dress for courthouse wedding. Any suggestions?

  • I love this MM.LaFleur dress - it’s classic, super flattering, and you’ll definitely wear it again!

  • This Karen Millen dress has great vintage vibes but the black and gold buttons feel fresh (though you can swap them out the Pearl buttons for something a bit more bridal!)

  • I would remove the belt or do a satin belt instead, but I love this Tahari Official suit!

As an early stage start-up founder, how do you go about finding a trusted mentor? First, I would ask what exactly you need - a mentor, an advisor, a coach, or a champion. I recorded a podcast episode about this!

If you want a tactical conversation with a leader you admire, platforms like the Mother Untitled mentor board or The North (Female Founder Collective’s advisor board) let you book 1:1 sessions with really incredible leaders!

What would you do in NYC for spring break? Shows? Museums? Restaurants? I’ve linked all my NYC (and other city!) favorites in the Out Of Office app!

Shows that I highly recommend (Six and & Juliet are shows I’ve taken Rho to):

If you’re traveling with kids, I’d check Lincoln Center’s calendar for children’s programming - we really enjoy so many of their performances for kids!

How do you deal with people who drop by unannounced in-spite of telling them to give you a heads up?Haven’t really faced this problem before, but I would probably be on the ruder side and not let them remove their shoes or coats if they dropped by and instead say “oh, we were just about to head out! we have plans- so sorry we can’t host you right now!” and straight up say “let’s chat over text and find a date/time that works for both of us.”

This is incredibly disrespectful and I’m so sorry you have to deal with that! And I’m assuming these drop-ins are not welcome.

Here’s a stressful week - go Birds!

xo,HPN

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