issue #179 - the one where I’m not okay

April 30, 2023

Before I dig into a vulnerable life update, I have a few timely items I’d like to share:

  • The SmartDreams app has been a lifesaver for our family lately - my kids love selecting the elements in their AI generated stories, I find the stories soothing and relaxing, and it’s become our go-to during bedtime, while in transit, or waiting in lines. My only regret is not downloading it sooner (like when we were at Disney!). It’s completely free and the best app you’ll download - truly.

  • I have the great privilege of serving on the board of Youth Represent, a nonprofit that provides legal services and advocacy for youth caught in the unjust justice system in New York City. Their work is necessary and so important. YR is hosting its annual virtual wine fundraiser, hosted by the incredible sommelier André Mack. May 1st is the last day to sign up to have your wine delivered in time, so please purchase your tickets if you’d like to taste some phenomenal wine and support an amazing cause.

  • All I want for Mother’s Day is for you to follow Emily and to join in the Mother’s Day campaign we’ll be launching this week.

I’m not okay right now.

One of my parents got a life changing diagnosis that spurred a lot of life changes (purchasing a new home in Bucks County that we can build and design to their needs, shifting my own workload to have more time to care for them).

I need to get a hysterectomy this summer to significantly reduce my risk of gynecological cancer (for my medical folks or folks who have faced this before, I have CIN 3 lesions and HPV 16 and a biopsy scheduled for mid-May to determine what kind of hysterectomy and how much will be removed). And while I’m certain in my decision to not have any more children, the removal of the organs that are so intertwined with my identity is something I’m having a hard time with.

I have never felt so secure and confident as a mother, having spent a lot more time with the kids over spring break and our caregiver taking some well-earned time off. But I feel totally lost in every other area of my life.

I’ve defaulted to my old comfort habits - nightly glasses of wine, staying up too late to watch garbage television (Below Deck: Sailing Yacht is mind-numbingly wonderful), ditching most of my daily rituals that ground me, and scrolling social media and going down Google rabbit holes for hours.

The sheer amount of Taco Bell and Domino’s I’ve consumed this week…oof. 

I’m not okay. And while I have hope that things will rebound, I’m deeply scared they won’t and am playing all the worst case scenarios in a loop in my head, over and over again.

I know what I should do and likely need to do - swap the wine for sparkling water, get to bed early, change up my meditation and journaling and workouts to shake me out of autopilot, put my phone down and delete some apps. And I have zero desire to do them - I just want to stay in my hole of comfort for just a little bit longer, even though I know few of these are serving me in any meaningful way.

I know you come here to learn what’s happening in the world, book recommendations, and for answers to all the questions (big and small). And they’re all here - just keep scrolling.

But I don’t have any wisdom or advice or profound thoughts to share in this week editor’s letter - just this peek at my very messy life right now, and the space I’m making for myself to process it.

I will say that putting these words in this newsletter, while slightly scary, is also somewhat freeing.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll pick a new meditation and find some peace on that stillness. Maybe I’ll jot down something new I’m grateful for (coffee, Captain Glenn, and my family have been the constants this past week). I WILL swap out a pizza for a sweetgreen order, if only to give Carlos from Domino’s a break (but thank you, C, for the extra ranch in every delivery you made). And with no evening plans all week and having to handle the morning rush solo, I’ll definitely have lights out by 10.

I am holding on to a thread of hope that things will be okay and our family will navigate this, and I’m immensely grateful that we have the privilege of having incredible doctors taking care of us, the financial security to afford purchases big and small, and to take care of the people that have taken such good care of me.

I’m not okay at this moment. But I have hope that we will be.

And for anyone else not okay, I hope you give yourself the permission to carve out space to process it (and to order plenty of pizza and watch whatever you heart desires).

What We Read This Week

  • The Idiot by Elif Batuman - I'm making my way through The Idiot and it's giving me a lot to think about. If you've ever been in a long situationship in college that on paper was nothing but actually meant a whole lot, you should read this book (you will have lots of flashbacks). It's also so interesting to read about attending college in 1995 when email was brand new and Traveler's Checks were common. You will want to scream at the main character sometimes but that's part of the experience.

  • Memphis by Tara Stringfellow - I just finished Memphis by Tara Stringfellow, and...my god. Words fail. What a profound, heart-wrenching, hysterical, beautiful book about three generations of women living in Memphis.

  • Simple Scripts To Support Your People by Jenny Dreizen and Olivia Dreizen Howell - Well, this is the most exciting book recommendation I've ever given, because it's MY OWN BOOK! I'm thrilled to introduce you to Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say. Heralded as the modern day go-to guide for everything you need to support your people, Simple Scripts to Support Your People guides you through tough, trying and tremendous life moments. Speak them, text them, send them. Each simple script is like a hug that can be sent over the airwaves. Grounded in the proprietary and revolutionary VASE Method, each script is crafted with supporting your people in mind. From lost luggage to funeral planning, from heartbreak to new jobs, and everything in between, we’ve got you. As one reader said, "If every person read this, our world would be better." Can't wait for you to read it!

Top #5SmartReads Of The Week

The rest of the week’s reads (and conversations!) are below:

Your Questions, Answered

What should I think about not being “self-made” if I happened to be raised with privileges? You can - and should! - be proud of your accomplishments and acknowledge the privileges that helped make them possible, and share credit publicly when applicable.

I feel very lucky and grateful for the many privileges I have, and do my best to share them with my team and family.

Accept them, acknowledge them, and do your best to pay it forward and share them.

Work remote but in-person conference (Nashville in May) what the heck do I wear?? Comfy/cuteConferences are typically business casual and while the weather in Nashville may be hot, those conference halls are usually aggressively air conditioned.

Lightweight layers are your friend. I would do a pair of Quince ponte pants (LOVE their new wide-legged styles!), a top in whatever style/pattern you love (I’m a fan of Uniqlo’s no-iron button downs or a silk t-shirt), and bring along a blazer or jacket (M.M.LaFleur’s jardigans are great, but a great denim jacket would also work in Nashville).

Shoes - I am loving the chunky loafer trend. These Sam Edelman ones have served me well for the past 2 years, and I love Rebecca Allen’s as well!

Kid friendly NYC recs for a touristy day in the city?The American Museum of Natural History just opened up the Gilder Center and it is SO COOL! After your visit, you can grab Shake Shack afterwards and do a picnic in the park and hit up a playground, or visit Motorino Pizza and Big Gay Ice Cream for lunch and dessert.

I would then subway downtown and get off at Hudson Yards for a walk down the High Line, and visit Little Island as well. Grab dinner at Chelsea Market (where there’s something for everyone!)

You can find all my NYC favorites in the Out Of Office app. 

Do you think team mascots should be menacing or can they be cute or locally relevant?Gritty and the Phanatic are proof that both are not just a possibility, but the standard for all mascots.

Favorite spring recipes

Girlfriends weekend in NYC- suggestion for a non fancy rooftop dinner/drinks spot. The current rooftop installation at the Met is super cool, and they have a really fun Friday evening where you can do drinks up there!

If you’re already uptown, Drunken Munkey is one of my favorite restaurants in the UES, and Uva is also very lovely and chill. If you cross the park, here are my go-to spots in the UWS:

Another plug for Out Of Office - you can find mine and other amazing recommendations from trusted travelers and creators!

Any recs for Vancouver in mid-August with a 6 year old?Here’s what you all shared (and I’ve added to my own list for August!):

  • Stanley Park + the Sea Wall

  • Granville Island (and the ferries from the island)

  • Science World

  • Vancouver Acquarium

  • Playland

  • Richmond Night Market

  • Capilano Suspension Bridge

  • Grouse Mountain

  • Sea to Sky Gondola

  • Lynn Canyon Park

Do you think employers should know if you have a blog? Or keep it separate?This is honestly a case-by-case kind of things - it depends on the employer and their policies, on the content of your blog (is it related or unrelated?), and keeping your blog time and resources very separate from work.

I think blogs are a fantastic way to build a ton of creative skills that translate into nearly any career skills that translate into nearly any career - storytelling, effective communication, time and project management skills. You should be proud of what you’ve built and talk to how it’s benefitted you professionally if you are asked about it. Given how online everyone is today, someone you work with will ask you about it eventually.

When it does come up, be ready to share a bit about your workflow and specifically how you keep it separate, and what you’ve learned in running your blog that has helped you at work.

Help, in-laws moved to the states months ago and now are needier than newborns. Tips to navigate? I want to hold some space for you, because my cousins are where you are right now and it’s brutal, especially when the cultural expectations for elder care is self-sacrifice.

If you have the financial means, outsource anything you can (ordering grocery delivery, finding a local aunty who can prepare meals that they’re used to eating, hiring a parti time housekeeper or nurse if your elders have medical needs).

Subscribe to every single desi streaming app or channel that exists so they have something to watch.

As much as you possibly can, get your partner to be the primary contact for his contact for his parents, particularly if you have a heavier load on the household task. You both need regular check-ins with each other and to touch base about elder caregiving, and reset responsibilities and expectations when needed.

This will take a massive toll on you personally (I see it with my own family), so take care of yourself in this process - therapy, time outside of the home to give yourself a break, and time with friends.

You can also reach out to me if you ever need to vent about it.

Thoughts on Ozempic/Mounjaro? This piece does a phenomenal job of presenting a detailed and nuanced perspective on these class of drugs. My hope is that the folks who need it take care of their health are able to access it, over those seeking it to drop weight quickly for vanity purposes.

How do I stop parenting when things are so crazy?I give myself time outs when I’m overwhelmed and feel myself about to lose it on the kids. I go to the same chair in our calm down corner, put on a motherhood meditation in the Superhuman App, and then jump back in (use code hitha for a 6-week free trial). Those are also the nights we eat something simple from the pantry or freezer, I put my phone in a drawer because I know it’s my trigger, and I pick out my favorite kids’ books to read with them.

Hi, can you please share a few of the TV shows your boys are allowed to watch… thanks :)Bluey, Pokémon, and My Little Pony are the contemporary ones! I miss the Daniel Tiger and Sesame Street phase of parenthood. We also had a solid run with The Wild Kratts - available on Prime Video!

I also love putting on old episode of Reading Rainbow from YouTube (they’re also all on Prime Video).

Tax CPA with speciality in life science! Who else should I follow? Love all your other content

Best smorgasbord accounts (they share everything)- Ashley Spivey, Becca Freeman, Esther Ayorinde, Grace Atwood, Mary Orton, Palak Patel, Aparna Shewakramani

Lily Herman is one of the greatest humans and a sharer of all the smart things. I love her and she’s the reason I am now a diehard F1 fan and so open about my romance novel addiction.

What’s the one thing you’re most excited to experience with your family this summer?Visiting the University of Washington campus (my alma mater!) and showing the boys the Husky statue that was our class’ gift to the school (and my personal mission to make a reality).

Things will be okay. And hopefully this not-so-great phase will be over soon.

xo,HPN

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